Septuplets Challenge: Chapter 1 – Cry Me a River

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Hello, and welcome to the first chapter of what I’m almost certain will be the most infuriating challenge I have ever attempted. If you haven’t already, you can check out the Introduction post to read all the details. This chapter might read a little differently than you’re used to – I’m going to start off with a bit of backstory, some of which I don’t actually have pictures for because I came up with this more than a year after I started playing this Sim. So without further ado…

Here’s the story…

Of a lovely lady…
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…Who was bringing up seven fucking babies what the fuck.

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Nooooooope.

Listed in order from left to right, we have Blaze, Rosie, Lila, Alyse, Lucia, Rochelle, and Adrian. Each baby was named, of course, by selecting the first name provided by the in-game randomizer, which is why her son is named fucking Blaze. And of course, their mother, Ember Rojo, also named by the randomizer, which is how you get a redhead named Ember whose last name literally means “red”. I didn’t pick this cheesy name on purpose, guys, I promise.

Not pictured above: Ember’s scumbag ex-fiance, Randall Testaverde.

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Brows on fleek, tho.

Randall seemed perfect at first. He was handsome, well-dressed, and romantic. He took her to fancy restaurants, paid for lavish vacations… She wondered sometimes how he could afford it. His tiny house certainly wasn’t an accurate reflection of his lifestyle. But he said he had a good job as a regional manager at Dewey, Cheatam, & Howe. She figured it must pay well.

Ember wasn’t keen on trying to get pregnant before they were even married, but Randall said he wanted to be a father – said he wanted a son to carry on his legacy, and couldn’t wait to start trying. But she was having trouble conceiving. What’s a family-oriented Sim to do? She found a doctor who was willing to let her try an experimental fertility treatment – and it worked!.

She found out she was indeed pregnant – with septuplets. She called Randall hoping to tell him the good news, but suddenly, he was nowhere to be found. At first she thought, maybe he’s on another last minute business trip, and didn’t think anything of it.

But after a week when he hadn’t returned or even called, she was getting worried. She went to his house to try and find some sign of his whereabouts. Instead, she found gadgets, night vision goggles, weapons, and a closet full of expensive tuxes. He had been lying this whole time. He wasn’t a regional manager, he was a goddamned secret agent! Tucked back on a shelf behind a row of James Bond tuxes, she found a box full of mementos – from the other women he’d been woohooing behind her back!

Ember was furious. She called and left a message saying she still wasn’t pregnant, that she wanted to try again. And hey, what do you know, suddenly he was back in town! But when she answered the door, he knew immediately that he’d made a mistake.

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Hell hath no fury like a babymomma’s scorn.

She told him what she’d found. He was shocked. He tried to deny it, but she wasn’t having it.
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So next he turned on the waterworks, spewing out crocodile tears and “I’m so sorrys.”

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Still not having it.

When that didn’t work, he dropped the act, finally revealing himself as the sociopath he’d been all along. His face went cold, with a look of malice she had never seen before.
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She told him to leave. Out on the front porch, he suddenly turned apologetic again. He pleaded for her to give him another chance. He could change!

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Amount of fucks given by Ember: 0.

Finally, he grew enraged. He screamed obscenities and lunged toward Ember, but stopped just short of hitting her.  To this day, she believes that the only thing that kept him from attacking her was the fact that the neighbors could see.
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After that stunt, she was done. She slammed the door and locked it behind her, leaving him slumped and defeated on the porch. It was the last time she ever saw or spoke to him.

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Is it bad that I find it extremely satisfying that he looks so dejected?

Hoooo! I did not know I was going to write such a dramatic backstory when I started this chapter. Or that I am apparently so cool with breaking the fourth wall so casually. Aaaaanyway.

Fast forward nine months (how time flies, it really only felt like three days!), and Ember’s got herself a whole room fulla babies. She starts off her day by breastfeeding each one, starting with Adrian. The game finds this obscene enough to censor, because she’s obviously being such a SLUT.

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Like… What is there even to censor, it’s not like Sims have nipples.

Ember obviously can’t afford daycare for seven infants, so she’s unable to work. Currently, she has almost $3,500, which is certainly enough for one adult to live on for a while. But with seven kids, it won’t last long. So she uses what little spare time she has to work on her paintings, which she sells for extra cash.
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Did I neglect to mention that she also has the insane trait? So sometimes she just kind of… does… this.

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Cool, cool, good to know.

Her painting time doesn’t last long today. A really fun side effect of feeding every baby at the same time, is that they all poop at the same time. And also, sometimes they just poop whenever.

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The whole room is filled with noxious green fumes.

After she goes down the line changing all seven diapers, Adrian starts crying for food again. And then Rochelle, and then Lucia… As soon as Ember starts feeding one baby, the next one starts crying. Eventually, she can’t keep up and has multiple babies crying at once. This cycle repeats multiple times throughout the day.

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I can’t even handle the obscenity in this picture.

Finally, they’ve all stopped crying for a while. At 8:40 p.m., Ember has enough time to enjoy half a grilled cheese sandwich while watching the World Culture Network. She looks shellshocked.

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So… much… poop.

Aaaaand, Rosie’s crying again.

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Can we take a moment to appreciate the fact that Ember Rojo (Spanish for red) has a daughter named Rosie Rojo? Rosie Red. COOL NAME, BRO.

She’s tried everything, and somehow, making this face is the only thing that will console her.

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Or possibly she’s just losing her mind.

At 11:00, after putting Rosie back to bed and changing Alyse’s diaper, Ember can be found in the shower. Crying.

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Who doesn’t love a good shower cry?

Oh haaaaaale no. Ain’t nobody got time for your bullshit tonight, Vlad. I swear, this guy is at every Sim’s door, every night, in every save file I have. Fuck this guy.

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Unless you wanna help change diapers, then by all means, let yourself in! Oh wait. YOU CAN’T. BECAUSE YOU WEREN’T FUCKING INVITED. OOOOH, VAMPIRE BURN.

An hour later, he’s still at it. Give it a rest, dude.

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One time, Vlad showed up to my scientist Sim’s house while he was sleeping, and broke into the fucking house to drink his blood “plasma”. So I had the scientist use the freeze ray on him. He thawed out after sunrise and died. My most shining achievement in the Sims 4 to date.

Ember finally manages to go to bed and get some shut-eye. But she’s fallen into such a deep sleep, she doesn’t wake up when not one but three of her babies are crying.

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During times like these, I wonder what my neighbors think when they hear a chorus of screaming babies coming from my apartment.

So I’ve swapped the full size wall joining the bedrooms for a half wall, and replaced the door with an archway. Hopefully now she’ll hear it from her bed? I don’t know if the game actually works that way.

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More likely, all I’ve done is ensured that she will go out of her way to put every single dirty plate on top of that ledge when she’s done eating.

Sure, Ember, stop mid-feeding cycle to do this bullshit with a question mark over your head, that’s totally what I wanted you to do right now! How are you route-failing? There’s nothing in your way. The room is literally a straight line of babies.

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You’ve got three more kids to feed and three diapers to change, what the fuck are you even doing right now.

Meanwhile, outside Ember’s House… Something has gone terribly glitchy in my game, and is causing all of the expansion pack characters to wear different clothes than their original defaults.

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I just don’t know how to react to that outfit. Or the flower in Caleb Vitore’s hair.

What is the damn problem with Rosie?? I swear this kid has colic or something. She cries more often than any other baby.
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Welp. Confirmed that the half wall and arch don’t work. Adrian’s in here wailing away and Ember’s still sawing logs in the next room over.

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Though I can’t say I’d blame her if she was just pretending not to hear him…

Sorry Ember, but you’ve lost your wall privileges.
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Okay, fuck it, no wall. She is still sleeping through the crying.

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And still feeding her babies in the sluttiest way possible.

Now Adrian’s the problem child. He won’t stop crying even though he’s been freshly changed and fed. Plus, Rochelle has a dirty diaper, and Alyse is crying for reasons unknown as well. I don’t even know how many days into this we are anymore, they just blend together because Ember is constantly tending to the babies. I think it’s almost their birthday…

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Dear god, I hope it’s almost their birthday…

It just won’t end today. Now we have Blaze, Lila, Alyse, and Rochelle crying simultaneously. All fed, all changed, all screaming. It’s like a nightmare.

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On the plus side, Ember’s parenting skill is already at 5.

It’s been four hours now of nonstop crying, feeding, changing, and silly-face-making. Rosie will NOT. STOP. CRYING. Ember is losing it. Her hunger meter is in the yellow and her fun is in the red. The only glimmer of hope is the notification that today is Blaze’s birthday – meaning that the other six notifications will follow within the next twenty-four hours, and we can finally age these little assholes up.

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I don’t even feel bad about calling them assholes.

Finally, finally(!), they all stop crying long enough for Ember to sit down in front of the TV with a grilled cheese sandwich. It’s after 6:00 pm, and this is the first thing she’s eaten all day.

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Note the plate from yesterday’s grilled cheese, still sitting out on the table, emitting stink clouds.

But her quiet dinner doesn’t last long. She flinches as Alyse and Rochelle both start crying in stereo.

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“Can I just watch the fucking cooking channel in peace?!”

Oh thank god. Ember has reached parenting skill level 6. She’s finally gained the ability to see what her babies need. And we’ve gotten three more birthday notifications. Only four to go and we can finally age these screaming poop factories up.

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“Who’s mommy’s little shitmaker? You are! You are!

Ember’s fun level is in the yellow again, and her energy is in the red. And those last three birthday notifications have yet to come. She’s at the end of her rope.

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I feel ya, girl, I really do.

Even with no wall to separate her from the babies’ room, Ember still fucking sleeps through the crying! I give up.

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Note that, despite sleeping, her plumbob is still orange.

Now that Ember can check to see why her babies are crying, it turns out they’re all low on socialization. Despite the constant feeding, changing, rocking, and silly faces. What a bunch of needy babies! But on the plus side, I just got the notification for Lucia and Rochelle’s birthday. Only Adrian is left! And then finally, sweet, sweet freedom.

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LOL JK YOU’RE GONNA HAVE SEVEN TODDLERS.

Ember is now close to hitting rock bottom. It’s 5:46 in the morning, her fun is extremely low, her hygiene is low enough that she’s emitting stink clouds, and she’s about to pass out. Dear god, let Adrian’s birthday notification come soon.
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Oh my god. SWEET BABY JAYZUS, THANK YOU.

Adrian's Birthday

Yeah, time sure fucking flies, doesn’t it?

So I hate to leave you all on a cliffhanger buuuut… That’s exactly what I’m going to do. I hope you liked the first chapter of this new challenge. I’m having a lot of fun with it so far, when I’m not cursing and tearing my hair out. Tune in next time to see what kind of toddlers these assholes grow up to be. I don’t know about you, but I can’t wait!

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And neither can Ember!

Thanks as always for reading, and until next time, happy Simming!

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Septuplets Challenge: Introduction and Rules

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Hey guys! As I mentioned in my last post, real life and the Breed out the Ugly Challenge had me so overwhelmed, I didn’t post for a year. But I’ve been getting back into the Sims again, and with the new Parenting game pack I’ve been wanting to try a few different challenges. So while I will of course continue blogging the Gross family’s saga, I will also be blogging at least one other challenge, as more of a just-for-fun thing.

I’m going to start with what I’m calling the Septuplets Challenge.

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Even just looking at this picture, I’m already getting anxiety.

I don’t claim to have invented this concept or anything. I’ve found a couple of variations on this. The Seven Toddler Challenge was pretty popular after the toddler update came out. You can find James Turner’s original video here or view the basic rules here. But my version has a twist… I’m starting off with seven babies. I did find one blogger doing this in Sims 3 for a series they called Septomom, which I found thoroughly entertaining.

Fair warning: I’m making this up as I go. Here are the basic rules I’ve come up with:

  • Start off with one adult and seven babies. Mods* (or possibly cheats?) are necessary to accomplish this.
  • I’m playing on the normal lifespan.
  • I’m avoiding custom content/mods that would make items significantly cheaper or offer a higher motive increase than the standard in-game items – the exception is the parent’s bed. Because there is no way a parent of seven is going to get enough sleep on those cheap Maxis beds. If you want to be stricter or looser with this rule, go ahead. The kids are still super difficult to care for, regardless.
  • No money or motive cheats.
  • No aspiration rewards like the Sleep Replacement potion. I think traits like Speedy Cleaner and Frugal and any of the ones that boost the skill points earned are okay, but no rewards that fulfill basic needs or slow down need decay.
  • No nannies, maids, or butlers. You can hire a repairman/woman if you want (because honestly what normal person knows how to fix a fridge anyway?), but I’m trying to avoid it
  • The mysteriously free “daycare” option is definitely not allowed.
  • The donor parent cannot visit and help with any parenting duties.
  • Guests are not allowed until after the toddler stage is complete – as guests tend to butt in and try to care for the children.
  • The home parent cannot leave the home lot while the children are still babies. During the toddler and child stage, all seven children would have to go with the parent. Or if they’re at school, the parent can leave but must be back before the children arrive home. Because this is Amurrica, land of “no child left behind”.
  • The home parent can roam the home neighborhood (while the home lot is still the active lot) to collect items or interact with other Sims, but it’s best to stay close to the house during the baby and toddler stages.
  • The home parent can’t have a job outside the home. Honestly, I don’t know that they’ll have time to even try a stay-at-home job from the City Living pack, but try it if you dare – just don’t let them leave the house without taking all seven kids.
  • The home parent and children are allowed and encouraged to make money at home from any hobbies, collecting objects, etc.
  • The only exceptions for earning money are dates and frog breeding. The parent cannot sell the ice bucket thingies from gold level dates. Frogs can be collected from the wild and sold, but the can’t be bred. That would just be too easy, if you have eight people breeding $120 Whirlyflower frogs every day. The exception to the frog breeding restriction is if a Sim has the Curator aspiration. They can breed strategically for the sake of completing the collection, but not just to breed expensive frogs to sell.
  • None of the children can be aged up early, at any life stage. They’re septuplets, after all, it wouldn’t make sense for some of them to be at different life stages than their siblings. They can be aged up with birthday cake once the game has announced “It’s So-and-So’s birthday!” for all seven children.
  • Above all, the goal of the challenge is survival and avoiding any children being taken away by Social Services.
  • I haven’t decided yet if the challenge ends when the kids age up to teens, or if I’ll make it last until young adulthood. If you don’t have the Parenting pack, it might not be much of a challenge after the teen stage, as teens are 100% capable of taking care of themselves.

*Regarding the mods I used: I started off using scumbobo’s Auto-Pause Pregnancy mod, but this was broken a long time ago by one of EA’s countless mod-ruining patches. I recently downloaded Deaderpool’s MC Command Center, which has the same function, and so much more.

Basically what I did was set up a house with a single woman, and another house with a single man, and they fell in love. He impregnated her, and then I played his lot for three days, allowing her pregnancy to still progress.

The mod has a function that alerts the player when the pregnant Sim is going into labor. The player then has the option to either allow the birth to occur on its own, or keep the labor paused and load the pregnant Sim’s lot in order to continue with the birth. (FYI, this is how I managed the four simultaneous pregnancies for the Breed Out the Ugly Challenge!) So, I would switch over to the mom’s lot, let her give birth, then switch back to the dad’s lot and immediately get her pregnant again. Lather, rinse, repeat, until you have seven babies, all still on day 1 of their lifespan.

The home parent doesn’t have to be a cis female. If you want to make a trans male or nonbinary, agender, etc. Sim who is capable of becoming pregnant, go for it! As well, the father/sperm donor doesn’t have to be the same for each baby – Through the miracle of modern medical Sim science, maybe the home parent got pregnant using sperm from seven different donors. Whatever fits the story you’re going for.

I may come up with a points/scoring system in the future. Or I may just leave it as is, with the overall goal being to just survive without getting any kids taken away. If I do add a points system, I will update this page with the rules for scoring. And I’ll link back to this page in whatever chapter I happen to be posting at the time. Any suggestions on scoring are welcome in the comments!

Breed Out the Ugly Challenge: Chapter 12 – (Surprise) Wedding Bells

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Hello, and welcome back! It has been quite a while since I’ve updated – In fact, as of today, it’s been exactly one year. Without going into too much detail, I’ll just say that my real life has hit the fan over the past year, and I have felt too overwhelmed to blog. Plus? Sims 4 was honestly getting really boring for a while. But with some of the more recent expansion/game/stuff packs (especially Parenting!), I’m back into playing the Sims 4. We’ll see how long it lasts this time. I have a couple more challenges that I’m kicking around, so that might keep me engaged for a while.

So hey. Full disclosure. I actually started writing most of this, like, a year ago. I never got around to finishing it until now. So this means that I probably have some pictures that I no longer remember taking, or what I had intended to write about them. Basically, this chapter is going to be a damn circus, as usual, and I’m probably gonna just make some shit up toward the end.

Now, let’s check in on everyone’s favorite family of freaks, the Grosses. In Chapter 11, we saw the kids all grown up and living their first few days in their new homes. As young adults tend to do when they get that first taste of freedom… Everyone got laid as much as possible.

Aaaaand, as Sims in my challenges tend to do, everyone got knocked up.

And Kaiden and Jessica got engaged!
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The next morning, Kaiden invites everyone to his house to make the big announcement.
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For reasons unknown to me, and probably to him, Kaiden changes his shirt before calling everyone into the living room. He starts out, “I have good news, and better news.” He pauses to wait for someone to ask what’s the good news.

No one does.

“Well, the good news is, Jessica and I are getting married! And the better news is… We’re going to have a baby!”

Precisely zero people respond enthusiastically. In fact, most of them just look annoyed.

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Except Jessica, who is having some creepy eye issues right now.

Milton is the first to break the silence. “Yeah… Yuki’s pregnant, too.” He doesn’t seem excited.
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Neither does Yuki, who started waddling away to the bathroom as soon as Kaiden was finished with his big announcement.

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But I have to say she looks absolutely adorable with her pregnant belly.

“Ugh. I am, too,” groans Iris. “And fucking PISSED about it, I might add.”
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Finally, Slim chimes in from the couch. “Shit, for real? This is so crazy. Elsa’s pregnant, too!”

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At least he seems happy about it?

Wait, where the hell is Elsa? Apparently she wasn’t interested in hearing Kaiden’s big news. She’s been downstairs in the study this whole time, presumably making business calls.

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Aww, she’s going to make a great neglectful parent someday soon.

After the announcement, everyone leaves for work. Melody, of course, heads back to that rocket she’s been so obsessed with building lately.
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• . • ° • . • ° • . • ° • . • ° • . •

Later, Slim and Elsa both arrive home from work at the same time. They’re both hungry, and don’t feel like cooking. Luckily, a certain omnipotent and semi-benevolent creator recently* bought the Dine Out pack! So Slim asks Elsa on a dinner date.

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*Ummmm, so at the time that I wrote that line, “recently” was accurate. But now it’s been a year, so……

Seeing as how they’re about to become parents, they both realize this is the last time they’ll have a chance to do something like this for quite a while. So they go all out, dressed to the nines, and head to one of the nicest restaurants in town – Villa Bovine, which, conveniently, came with the game pack and I did not have to build.

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Ain’t nobody got time for that.

By the way, for some reason, the entire Gross family happens to be here tonight, including Iris, who is dining alone on a bench out front, with no shoes.

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I’m not even going to try to address whatever unnatural horror is happening with that dress.

Once inside, Slim requests a table from the bald hostess. Why is she bald? Perhaps it’s a fashion statement. More likely, it’s the result of a major custom content purge I did recently. It’s the reason Iris doesn’t have shoes, and why countless townspeople now roam the streets with bald heads, missing articles of clothing, and just generally looking even more fucked up than a Sims townie normally would.
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The hostess seats Slim and Elsa at a table, and they are soon visited by a friendly waitress, who is also bald. Elsa orders butternut gnocchi, and Slim orders Italian meatballs.
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It takes a while for the food to arrive, and Elsa is NOT happy. At one point, I had to cancel an autonomous action when she tried to get up and help herself to a bowl of cereal from the kitchen. Slim tries his best to distract her from her hunger, with no success.

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“GET ME SOME FUCKING FOOD NOW, THERE IS A FUCKING BABY IN ME.”

The waitress finally arrives with the food. Just in time, because Slim was running out of things to say to distract Elsa from her overwhelming pregnancy craving for cereal.

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“If I don’t get some fucking Cap’n Crunch right now, I will straight up cut a bitch.”

Slim breathes a sigh of relief, while Elsa stuffs her face.

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No idea what’s going on with Slim’s face in this pic.

Now that she’s eaten, Elsa is in a much better mood. As they’re getting up to leave, Slim decides it’s now or never. He asks her to wait a moment, gets down on one knee…
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And pulls a ring out of his pocket. “Elsa Bjergsen, I am so happy to be the father of your child. I can’t wait to start our new life together. Will you marry me?”
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She says, yes, natch.
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Slim stands up again and leans in to kiss her. What a beautiful, happy moment.
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Which Elsa promptly ruins by jumping up into Slim’s arms. I’m loving the look of sheer panic on his face. At this point in her pregnancy, she weighs more than him, and her sudden, impulsive leap almost sends both of them toppling onto the floor.

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Also… Is Melody on a ladydate with that scantily clad woman back there?? Or is she just a scantily clad friend?

The next day, Elsa is looking pretty damn pregnant. She’s due any day now.

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Nothing like a bathroom grilled cheese to satisfy those pregnancy cravings.

Not wanting their baby to be born out of wedlock, she and Slim do what any sensible young couple would do… They head to Oasis Springs for a spur of the moment wedding at the Las Hearts Wedding Chapel, which was built by JessiL, in case you were wondering. I’ve slightly modified it in my game.

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For instance, that tacky arch that doesn’t fit with any of the other decor was definitely my doing. A year later, I am not sure what I was thinking when I added that.

The guests start filing in. Here’s Melody, who has made the very bold decision to wear a slutty ballerina costume to her son’s wedding. Also attending are the Bjergsen family, who are meeting their daughter’s fiance and his family for the first time at this wedding. This should be interesting.
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Slim takes his place at the wedding arch inside the chapel.

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Which, thankfully, looks slightly less tacky than the one outside.

Outside, Elsa takes a deep breath. Is she really ready to marry into this family? She could back out right now. She could hop a bus to San Myshuno. It’s not too late…
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But Elsa remembers all the good times she’s had with Slim. Even on that first day when she caught him burning stuff at the ruins, she knew they would be together.

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Look, she was going through a CC phase back then, okay? Don’t judge. Like you didn’t dress weird when you were a teenager.

Her resolve strengthened, she heads inside the chapel to walk down the aisle.

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I swear she really does want to do this. She’s just uncomfortable, you know, because there’s a person growing inside of her.

She joins her soon to be husband at the altar. Even more so than usual, Slim is looking smooth as fuck.
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Slim reaches out to take Elsa’s hand and begins to recite his vows, which he wrote himself. Note that I did not actually bother to write the aforementioned vows, because fuck that, but I assure you they were beautiful and heartfelt.

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Honestly I just needed an excuse to include this picture, because it’s so freaking cute OMG.

Having heard Vincenzo’s vows, Elsa’s pre-wedding uncertainty has dissolved. She recites her vows with love and sincerity, and they are just as beautiful as Slim’s words, and I did not bother to write those either.

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Look, if I knew anything about how to have a successful relationship, I probably wouldn’t be spending my free time writing a Sims blog at age 30. Anyway, this picture is also so cute OMG.

The two exchange rings…

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Not sure what Iris is doing back there? Also I just noticed she is still not wearing shoes.

…And share their first kiss as a married couple.

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Aaaand of course Milt has only just now arrived. Along with… Is that an elderly Bella Goth? WTF even is this wedding.

The newlyweds and their guests head around the side of the chapel to the reception hall for cake and festivities. Everyone is having a great time, basking in the glow of the happy couple. Except Iris, who looks like she’s about to shit herself. She keeps grabbing her belly and making this miserable, panicky face.

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“What the fuck did you put in that cake?”

But Iris is not experiencing cake-induced digestive trauma. If only! She’s just felt her first contraction, and she is freaking. The fuck. Out. She heads to the bathroom to collect herself. She is not ready for this.

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That look on her face… Just pure resignation.

Next thing you know, Iris is at the hospital, waddling through the double doors to the maternity ward.

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I don’t think I’ve ever seen her in pastels before… It’s somehow scarier than all the black she normally wears.

The contractions are happening more and more frequently now. From the look on her face, the pain must be pretty intense.

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That belly. Is MASSIVE.

With a look of pure dread on her face, she shuffles over to the birthing… device? What the fuck even is that thing? It looks like some kind of torture device from a sci-fi horror movie.

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Sim birth is the most terrifying thing I’ve ever seen.

Judging by the look on the doctor’s face, I’d say she’s ready for some torture.

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Okay, I take it back, this is the most terrifying thing I’ve ever seen.

Umm, guys? I don’t think this woman is actually a doctor at all. Pretty sure she’s just plucked out a vital organ. The look of pure panic on Iris’ face is not helping to dismiss my suspicions.

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The nurse seems pretty chill about it, though.

LADY, WHAT THE FUCK.

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The miracle of life ❤

Miraculously, Iris’ baby is born healthy and unharmed!

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And not blue!

It’s a girl! Welcome to the world, baby Skye! Looks like Slut Club has just recruited its first junior member. Iris has somehow not only changed out of her hospital gown, but into a completely different outfit than what she wore to the wedding. She reluctantly picks up her new little bundle of joy for the first time.

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Despite every bone in her body screaming, “NOPE.”

As she holds her distastefully pastel-clad baby in her arms, Iris’s black, icy heart begins to thaw a little. Just a little. Let’s not get carried away. But, maybe she can handle having this little one around after all.

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For now.

Aaaand, that was the last picture I took for this chapter, so I guess this is where it ends. The previous chapter said to expect Kaiden’s wedding, but we got Slim’s instead since his babymomma got pregnant earlier than Kaiden’s. I guess… Next time? Maybe? Who even knows. I don’t plan this shit out ahead of time.

I’m not even going to attempt to predict when I’ll update this series next. Y’all are just going to have to be patient if you’re only in this for the Gross family action (that unintentionally sounded… well, gross). I can say, though, that I’m currently working on another challenge, with at least one additional challenge planned for the future. So if you’re up for something different, stay tuned!

I’ll leave you with this blooper reel shot from Slim’s wedding. Right in the middle of saying their vows, Iris was like “SUP GUYS.” Love that side eye Slim’s giving her.

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“For fuck’s sake, Iris, for just one day can you not be the center of attention?”

Thank you for reading, as always. Until next time, happy Simming!

Breed Out the Ugly Challenge: Chapter 11 – Babymakin’

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Lol guys, I’m gonna delete the word “soon” from my personal dictionary. Thank you for your patience. I’m finally back after a much-needed break, ready to kick off this next chapter. Only, I actually started writing this two or maybe even three months ago (holy shit, it’s really been that long?) so I took all of these pictures and have very little recollection of what actually happened, so… Enjoy the ensuing shitshow! 😀

You may recall that in Chapter 10, Slim and Kaiden finally aged up.

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Also, Kaiden got a girlfriend, and she is totally DTW as soon as she ages up.

Also, some other stuff happened. I’d like to finally get this chapter written, so I’m not going to bother with a huge recap today. If you need a refresher, feel free to click on the link above.

So let’s see where this chapter takes us! We’ll start with Iris, who is stepping into her lovely little tudor house for the first time.
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It’s… pretty bare right now. But sufficiently gloomy.

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Also, I should fess up to “cheating” by using copious amounts of CC, like the old fashioned cupboard shown above that functions as a fridge, and costs way less than a real fridge… It fit better with the decor? 😀

There’s a little bedroom upstairs. Nothing too fancy, as Iris can’t afford much at the moment.
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But she does have her trusty computer, so she can continue to move up in her writing career.
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But enough of that! You didn’t come here to watch Iris write. We all know you’re here for the babymaking, so let’s get to it. She heads outside to see if there are any unsuspecting men around. Sure enough, she finds this redheaded chap right outside her house.

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Guys, holy shit is it difficult to get the camera to zoom in properly in this part of the neighborhood.

With eight charisma skills, it’s not hard for Iris to work her magic on him.
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I mean, who can resist this beautiful face?

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H. O. T. T.

Within no time, she’s got him eating out of the palm of her hand.

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Oh my god. Seriously, it took me forever to get the camera angled so that this shot wasn’t super zoomed out.

She does notice that he’s got a few… odd mannerisms.

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Like, for real, what is he even doing right now.

But she’s determined to complete her aspiration. She still needs to kiss a few more people. Here’s kiss number eight!

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Her nose actually got stuck in his face, so her lips couldn’t quite reach his. The game still counted it, though.

For some infuriating reason, the woohoo option on Iris’s bed absolutely will not function. So these two make their way to the closet for some unromantic, dusty woohoo.

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Conveniently for Iris, this guy’s fetish is actually the smell of mothballs.

Suddenly, sparks start shooting out from between the slats in the doors. Iris had completely forgotten that this closet is where she stores her leftover fireworks…

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Either that, or the game developers were at a loss for creative ways to portray the climax during closet woohoo.

Luckily, no Sims were injured during the making of this chapter. Wait a second… Is… Is he glowing pink?
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Well, that explains his odd behavior earlier. Turns out Iris just got it on with a bona fide, honest to goodness alien! She doesn’t mind. The woohoo was that good.

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You might even say it was… out of this world? (I’M SO SORRY.) (NO I’M NOT.)

Emboldened by this close encounter, Iris isn’t ready to call it a night yet. She puts on her favorite slutty goth outfit and heads to the nearby nightclub to see if she can find Kiss #9. This mysterious, masked DJ seems promising. She tries out the new “enchanting introduction” she just unlocked when she reached charisma level 9.

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Apparently it involves throwing up her arms and somehow magically engulfing the recipient in a bunch of hearts?

Her weird introduction totally enchanted him, and he is putty in her hands. And more importantly, he’s kiss number nine!

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Not to mention by far the weirdest first kiss photo featured in this challenge so far.

And so the two young lovers make their way to the nearest closet, because Iris can’t seem to get enough of that closet woohoo. Never mind the bartender over there. I’m sure she won’t notice.

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Just kidding, she totally noticed, and she’s totally voyeuristically getting off to it.

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“Why do you think I put that closet within view of the bar in the first place?”

By this time, it’s 7:00 in the morning, and Iris decides to head home. But she’s so close to her goal of kissing ten sims. She can’t give up now! So she stops to chat up the Partihaus boys on the way home.

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I mean, they named their house Partihaus. There’s got to be at least one person in there who’s down to woohoo.

Inside, she manages to pry Paulo away from his excessively huge arcade game and flirt with him.
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He is not easy to woo, possibly because he keeps trying to pee and Iris keeps stopping him before he makes it to the bathroom. After hours of flirting (and finally letting him take a bathroom break), she finally snags that tenth kiss.

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Once again, her lips don’t reach.

Now that she’s completed the Romance Juggler level of her aspiration, she’s on the fourth and final level. Her new goal is to have had eight boyfriends. She’s only had two so far, so she asks Paulo to go steady. He readily says yes, and they do a little happy dance together.

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Oh, Paulo, if only you knew.

Iris is getting tired, but she figures, why not go for her third woohoo in twenty-four hours? It would break her personal record. As long as it’s not in a fucking closet again.

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Or, I should say, not fucking in a closet again.

Having woohoo’d so much recently, Iris decides that she’d better take a pregnancy test. And Paulo… decides to watch?

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Whatever gets you off, man. I’m not here to kinkshame.

In case the confetti didn’t clue him in, Iris breaks the news to Paulo that she is, indeed, pregnant. He reacts about as favorably as you’d expect a member of Partihaus to.

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Cheer up, Paulo! Maybe it’s not yours?

Suddenly feeling unwelcome at the Partihaus, Iris heads home to finally get some sleep.

• . • ° • . • ° • . • ° • . • ° • . •

Well, now that we’ve seen what Iris is up to, let’s check in on Milton.

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Who, for some reason, is carrying a stack of dirty dishes into his new home.

Milton is settling into his new desert home nicely. He’s got the day off work, and Yuki won’t be off work for hours, so he spends the day chatting up a local woman named Josie.
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Milt is just not that good at being a player, so he’s pretty far behind his big sister in his Serial Romantic aspiration. One of his current goals is to have three strong romantic relationships at once. He’s hoping Josie here can help him out.
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She does not disappoint! Not only does she help him complete that goal, she also becomes Kiss #2 for Milton. He’s still got a long way to go before he reaches ten, but it’s a start. He also asks her to be his girlfriend, because eventually he’s going to need to fulfill that “have had eight boyfriends or girlfriends” goal, too.
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A few hours pass, and now Yuki is off work. Milton invites her over, and before they even make it through the door he gives her a passionate kiss. Unfortunately, they’ve already kissed, so it doesn’t count for his tally.

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Not that he’s complaining.

Things quickly lead to woohoo, after which the two lovebirds fall asleep.

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I don’t know why he always makes this face during woohoo. It’s really unsettling.

Milton goes about his next day as normal. He’s really strapped for cash, so he does some digging for precious metals to earn a little extra money.

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Unfortunately, all he gets are those stupid MySims trophies. Someone explain to me how the capsule they’re held in usually sells for more money than the actual trophy?

He’s got a little time before work, so he introduces himself to a random pretty lady. Last night he earned enough charisma points to unlock the “flirty introduction”, so he decides to try it out.

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The look on her face should tell you all how well it worked.

But he doesn’t have long to chat, and soon he has to head off to work.

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He looks like an angry bird, doesn’t he?

After work, Milton spends his evening flirting with various ladies. This one’s quite a looker!

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She is also evil. Fun fact.

But before he can get too far with his latest attempted conquest, he sees Yuki approaching. He makes up some bullshit excuse to convince his new “friend” to leave quickly. Just in the nick of time! Yuki almost caught him. Juggling all these women is stressful!

Yuki’s all dressed up for some reason. Milton figures, since he’s still dressed up for work, why not go on a date? Also, is it just me, or does it look like Yuki’s put on some weight recently?

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And also, does she look extremely uncomfortable to anyone else? Perhaps like she’s having severe back pain?

Yeah… She’s definitely gained some weight. But Milton doesn’t care. More to love, right? He likes women of all shapes and sizes.
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After another woohoo session, Milt and Yuki enjoy some scrambled eggs in the kitchen. And that’s when Yuki drops the bomb. She’s pregnant!

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“Whaaaaat?!”

After Milton recovers from the shock, Milton decides he had better take responsibility for his actions. He invites Yuki to move in.
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Well, so much for Milt’s swingin’ bachelor pad. Looks like Milt will have to carry on his affairs much more carefully from here on out.

• . • ° • . • ° • . • ° • . • ° • . •

Now it’s time to check up on everyone’s favorite Eminem lookalike, Vincenzo. Here he is crossing the threshold of his brand new house in Newcrest.
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And here he is displaying a horrifying disregard for the laws of physics.

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😥

But wait, Slim’s not the only one moving in today… Elsa is all grown up and ready to take the next step in her relationship with Slim.

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Although, judging by her expression, maybe not as ready as she thought? Or maybe she’s just wary of the door after what just happened to Slim.

In case anyone’s interested, here’s a shot of the layout first floor of their new house. Nothing fancy for now, just a kitchen and one big, open room, and a table and chairs.
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And here’s the second floor. Just a bedroom and tiny bathroom. But it will be nice to spend time outside on the balcony! I actually kind of like how simple this house is. It reminds me of some of the campus rental houses in Sims 2 University.

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Which, by the way, I have been feeling super nostalgic for lately. Would anyone be interested in seeing some Sims 2 action on this blog? …I kind of might do it anyway.

The young couple are exhausted from moving, so they sit down at their new dining table to have a quick dinner. Slim must be feeling homesick – He’s whipped up some grilled cheese, just like his mom would make.

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Or possibly that’s just the only thing his cooking skill will allow him to make without burning down his new house.

The next morning, Slim steps out the door to head to his first day on the job as a Palette Cleaner. Dressed like a goddamn banana hipster, because fuck everything.

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Seriously, how is this his work uniform?

Elsa has taken a job in the Business career track as a Mailroom Technician, but she’s not scheduled to work today. What’s a girl to do on her day off? She decides to use her free time to get a leg up on the competition and file reports for work. But there’s no computer at the house, so she heads to the library.

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No idea what’s going on with the librarian sitting across from her.

Just as she finishes her reports, she spots Melody practicing chess maneuvers by the window. She figures this is the perfect opportunity to score some brownie points with her boyfriend’s mom, so she challenges her to a game.
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After losing to Melody, Elsa heads back to her own neighborhood to explore the area. She and Slim are broke, so she goes digging for whatever random shit she can find to sell.
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While Elsa’s out digging, Slim arrives home from work feeling tense, probably because he’s been forced to look down at that godawful yellow disaster he decided to wear today.

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God, that sweater. It’s like someone tried to dye it with highlighter ink. It matches his hair nicely, though!

He and Elsa unwind by taking a nice, relaxing shower together. Afterwards, Slim’s still feeling tense. But even though the shower didn’t cure Slim’s stress, Elsa might be able to…

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Though probably make sure you’re not impaling his torso with your hand, Elsa dear.

Finally, the moment they’ve both been waiting for since the they met at the ruins. Now that they’re adults, it’s time for their first woohoo.
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And we all know this wasn’t just an ordinary woohoo. You guys have been chomping at the bit to see what Slim’s kids will look like since he aged up to a teen. These two woohoo’d with every intent to procreate. Well, mission accomplished! Elsa’s got the awkwardly framed confetti squat photo to prove it.

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Seriously, what the fuck was I even doing when I took this picture?

She heads back to the bedroom, where Slim is still basking in the afterglow of his first woohoo. When she delivers the good news, he’s absolutely thrilled!

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Like, it’s kind of scary how happy he is.

After such an eventful day, the happy couple are understandably tired. They climb into their new bed together and fall asleep in each other’s arms, dreaming of their future non-mutant children.

• . • ° • . • ° • . • ° • . • ° • . •

Well, the more functional of the Gross kids seem to be doing well. But what about Kaiden? And for that matter, Melody? Let’s head back to the original Gross House to check in on them.

At first, Melody doesn’t know what to do with all of her new free time. Until one day when she’s struck with the absurd notion that she absolutely must eat a grilled cheese sandwich in space. Because Maxis was seriously grasping at straws for level 3 Grilled Cheese Aspiration goals. BUT FINE, WE’RE DOING IT. So she gets started building a freaking rocket ship, of all things.
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Meanwhile, Kaiden’s off to his first day of work as a Live Chat Support Agent. He’s sure to make a good first impression in his Navi shirt.

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Clearly there is no dress code at his new office.

After Kaiden leaves, Melody changes into her best dress… and continues to work on the rocket, because it takes fucking forever to build a rocket ship by yourself in your backyard, guys.
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After work, Kaiden invites Jessica over for a romantic date at his mom’s house.

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They could be down in the sewer, for all she cares. Judging by the look on her face, she is still DTW.

He takes her down to the basement, which normally should be a red flag on a date, but in this case that’s just where Kaiden’s room happens to be located.
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Kaiden, still new to this whole talking-to-girls thing, is understandably nervous. Jessica’s been giving him fuck-me eyes all night. It’s pretty obvious what she’s after. Stalling for time, he shows her all of his posters and Zelda memorabilia.

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Oddly enough, this seems to only get Jessica going even more.

Feeling confident after impressing his lady with his encyclopedic knowledge of Zelda trivia, Kaiden is starting to relax. He starts rubbing Jessica’s back after showing her his sweet Master Sword art that’s sure to get any lady’s motor running. And, um… his very grown-up wooden chest. Definitely not a toybox, nope. And definitely not full of Zelda dolls action figures.

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It’s really a shame that no one’s made a Zelda-style treasure chest that functions as a toybox yet. Hint, hint, CC creators!

Unable to wait any longer, Jessica abruptly turns around and kisses Kaiden.
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And then gives him this look. And it looks like he’s finally ready…

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Umm, for real though, what is happening with her eyelashes?

Our little Kaiden is finally becoming a man. *Sniff* They grow up so fast!

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Actually no, in Kaiden’s case, it’s about damn time.

Kaiden’s first woohoo is about as awkward as you think it would be. At one point, he actually gets kicked in the face.

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He looks pretty into it, though?

Afterward, Jessica excuses herself to the bathroom. Where, ummm, this happens…

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Not sure if that’s a really happy post-woohoo face, or a pooping face…

Well, would you look at that.

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It is actually required by law for all Sim bathrooms to have a confetti machine installed in the ceiling above the toilet…

I bet none of you saw that coming, right? This chapter is totally not formulaic at all.

Jessica heads out into the hall to find Kaiden lurking creepily outside the bathroom. “Ummm, were you out here listening to me peeing? …Nevermind. Kaiden, sweetums, I have something to tell you.”
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“I’m pregnant!” Jessica squeals. At first, Kaiden is understandably dismayed.

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“My mom’s gonna kill me!”

But once the initial shock wears off, Kaiden is overwhelmed with happiness. He does have the Big Happy Family aspiration, after all. He’ll just be getting started a little sooner than expected.
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Kaiden believes in traditional values, so right then and there, he makes a decision. Right there in the hallway, in his bunny slippers and Batman boxers, he gets down on one knobbly knee and asks Jessica to be his wife.

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…Where was he keeping that ring?? 😮

Jessica happily accepts. She holds up her hand to admire her shiny new ring.

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While Kaiden stays on the floor gawking at her new baby bump.

The two lovebirds share a tender kiss. This is not how Kaiden expected his day to go, but he couldn’t have wished for anything better.

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Meanwhile, Jessica privately hopes that their child will be born with her nose…

Kaiden scoops Jessica up into his arms, sending Jessica into a fit of startled giggles.
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But she’s a bit heavier now that she’s with child, and he almost drops her.
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Once he regains his balance, she gives him that telltale look again. This girl just cannot get enough of Kaiden’s own “master sword” (Heh, heh). Happy to oblige, he carries her back to the bedroom for round two.

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Seriously though, I am way too proud of that master sword joke.

• . • ° • . • ° • . • ° • . • ° • . •

Whew! Well. That… was a lot of awkward woohooing. But at least this chapter is finally done! I hope you enjoyed reading it as much as I enjoyed writing it (once I finally got off my ass and decided to finish it, that is) Check back in like, four months for the wedding, babies, and more in Chapter 12. 😉

Until then, happy simming!

Breed Out the Ugly Challenge – Chapter 10: Leaving the Nest

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Welcome once again to the Gross family Breed Out the Ugly Challenge! As always, I’m eternally sorry for taking so long to post this. Real life just keeps fucking up my shit, guys. But I’ve taken the next two days off work, so I actually have time to play and write!

So recently, I posted a poll asking if all of Melody’s kids should try to have children, or only Slim. I had mentioned that the poll would be closed at 5:00 p.m. Central time, but I guess I accidentally selected a.m.? Sorry if you tried to vote and found it closed! Not that it would have made much of a difference, because Slim only received 8 votes out of 47.

Now, without further ado, let’s begin the chapter. Our last visit to the Gross family was quite eventful! Both Iris and Milton aged up. Milton took a job in the business career track…

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Lookin’ sharp, Milt.

Whereas Iris chose a more creative path and became a writer. More importantly, she had her first woohoo with local celebrity, Alexander Goth!

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In a closet at the pub, while his mom cheered him on.

…And then had her second woohoo, with local bad boy, Wolfgang Munch.

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Right out in the open, with people walking by, in full view of her mom’s bedroom. I’m starting to pick up on a theme here…

So what’s new with the Grosses today? For starters, Iris has been hard at work at her writing job and has been promoted to level 4, Advice Columnist! Look at her, all professional in her button-down shirt. Like a sexy librarian, only not sexy.

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“Dressing like a corporate drone makes me feel even more dead inside than I already feel.”

But wait, what’s Kaiden up to back there? Oh, nothing, just lying in the grass, appreciating the clouds.

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And looking high as fuck, as usual.

“Oh, shiiiiiiit, that’s a sweet cloud.”

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He’s gonna ruin that white shirt.

He’s so lost in his daydreams, he doesn’t realize he’s late for work! Kaiden, get the hell up off the ground. Those burgers aren’t going to flip themselves.

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“Whoooa, but like, wouldn’t that be cool if they did, though?”

While Kaiden heads off to work, Iris decides to celebrate her promotion by finding a new guy to chat up. That new mailman is pretty cute. She runs across the street to introduce herself.
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She musters up her best flirty introduction, and he totally takes the bait.

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Oh my god, DAT ASS. Dammmmmmn, I’d flirt with him, too!

Meanwhile, back in the house, Milton finally goes on his second date with his old girlfriend, Yuki Behr. I’m not sure if I ever mentioned it in the blog, but he started dating her when they were both teens. They were both quite smitten with each other, but she aged up before him, so he was unable to rekindle his romance with her until now.
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Having all those pent up romantic feelings for so long has certainly worked in his favor today. Time to take that new bed for a test drive.

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“Hold on a minute Milt, I’m just gonna take off my socks.” “No… I like it with the socks on.”

And so Milton and Yuki have their very first woohoo, socks and all. We all know that the first time can be awkward for some people… This seems all too true in Milton’s case. But at least the date is a success. And now that he’s had two dates, he’s completed the first level of his Serial Romantic aspiration.

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I don’t know what’s going on under those covers to warrant that face, and  I don’t want to know.

While Milton and Yuki deflower each other, Iris is downstairs macking on the mailman, Allan. She’s further along in her own romantic aspiration goals, and she has to kiss ten different sims in order to reach the final level. Allan just became number 5.

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I say kiss, you say impale with her nose. To-may-to, to-mah-to.

Throughout all of this debauchery, Melody has been hard at work on her own aspiration, steadily munching on grilled cheese in her underwear.

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Now that’s a woman who has her priorities straight.

The next day passes uneventfully. But then, the next day, Iris and Milton both arrive home from work together, apparently in the midst of some kind of bizarre three-legged race thing. They’ve both been promoted! Iris is now a Regular Contributor, and Milt is an Assistant Manager. Not bad!

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Milt’s nose is actually so sharp, it’s cutting through her hair.

Nothing much happens for the rest of the evening. But the next day is the day everyone’s been waiting for – the twins’ birthday! Both boys decide to call in and take the day off school, because fuck it.

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Ain’t nobody got time for that.

Now that he’s got the day off, Kaiden heads outside to see what he can see. And he just happens to see a very pretty girl named Jessica.
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One would think Kaiden would have no chance whatsoever with a girl like Jessica. Luckily, Kaiden lives in the world of the Sims, where love is blind and a scrawny boy with noodle hair and a fast food job is equally as appealing as a rocket scientist with exquisitely sculpted abs. She’s totally down for it.

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What… What is he even doing with his hands??

Kaiden invites her inside to get to know her better. Things advance quickly in the living room as he wraps his weird, sinewy arms around her.

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Because everyone knows the best place to mack on the ladies is in your mom’s house.

Kaiden is just full of surprises, isn’t he? He spends his entire teenage life collecting rocks and playing video games, showing zero interest in girls (or boys either, for that matter), and then on his last day as a teen, he’s got a girlfriend. And his first kiss.

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Way to go out in style, Kaiden.

AND his first closet makeout. But wait… Kaiden’s room doesn’t have a closet. So that means… Yup, he’s in Milton’s room right now.

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WHAT IS WRONG WITH THIS FAMILY.

While Kaiden’s been making up for lost time, Melody’s been hard at work in the kitchen preparing for her boys’ big day. With all the damn cakes she’s baked at this point, she might as well retire from her life of crime and open up a bakery. Or maybe combine the two professions, and sell cakes made with black market ingredients.

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Melody’s Black Market Bakery: Cakes so good, it’s criminal.

The cakes are done, so it’s time for the party. Melody calls the family and guests into the kitchen to celebrate. Slim’s up first to blow out the candles on his plain, chocolate cake.

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You basic.

Evidently aging up is a painful process for Sims, judging by the grimace on Slim’s face. His new adult trait is Bro, which is perfect for Slim. I love it.

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Told you he was basic.

Next up is Kaiden, for whom Melody has baked a delicious hamburger cake. Made with real hamburger!

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Oh god, I forgot about the fedora.

Kaiden grows up looking shocked, for some reason. Perhaps he forgot how this worked? You’ve done this before, Kaiden, you should know the drill by now. Slim, on the other hand, has now recovered from the trauma of growing up and resumed looking smooth as fuck.

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Meanwhile, Jessica shoots Kaiden some serious fuck-me eyes.

Although, actually, when you zoom in, Slim looks less smooth, and more endearingly dopey.
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Kaiden does his best to try and look smooth, but fail spectacularly. Kaiden’s new trait is genius, by the way. You’d never guess by the looks of him.

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Jessica is nonetheless amused.

Iris, bored of the birthday festivities, sneaks off to the basement with her first love, Dandre, who is looking fashionable as always.

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Though I do miss his witch hat.

After some titillating banter, they head outside to the hot tub, where Iris has her way with him – and adds another kiss to her tally, because apparently when they kissed as teens it didn’t count? She dons her signature sunhat (at night) and chainmaille bikini, while Dandre remains fully clothed, wearing a kitty hat.

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Dandre has some kinks, to say the least.

Having blown off some steam with Dandre, Iris is now ready to rejoin the rest of the family at the birthday party.

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Don’t bother to change clothes or anything. Also, what is even going on with Elsa’s outfit tonight?

The party is a success, and the boys win another ugly dresser as their gold party reward, which is promptly sold. Now that they’re adults, it’s time to choose their careers. Slim chooses the Painter career path, of course.

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He gets right to work painting some happy little trees.

Kaiden, being a geek and a genius, takes a job in the Tech Guru career track.

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Kaiden, sheesh, you need to work on that posture.

Now that all four of the kids have grown up, it’s time to get back to business and start trying to make some non-ugly babies. But with five people in the house, it’s already pretty crowded.

And so, with a heavy heart, the Gross kids prepare to leave the nest. Melody hugs each of her children goodbye. First Iris…
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Then Milton…

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Not sure why Iris chose to stick around and watch…

And then Slim…

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Because we all know how much Slim Shady loves his mother…

And uhhh… Well, actually Kaiden is going to stay here a while longer. It seems he’s not ready to move out and start his adult life just yet.

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And with this sweet room, who could blame him?

So where have Kaiden’s siblings ended up? Well, Iris needs a place that suits her romantic, poetic soul… But is also close to all the clubs and populated by tons of potential boy-toys. Naturally, she chose to move to Windenburg.
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Iris has moved into this quaint little tudor, which conveniently already existed in the game and I did not have to build myself.

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Because for real, if I had to build three new houses, this chapter wouldn’t get posted until May.

Milton, on the other hand, opted to move to Oasis Springs to work on his tan.
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Milton has also moved into an existing house, because seriously, fuck building. And hey, it’s a pretty cool little bachelor pad.

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Okay, these plumbob shots are realllllly bugging me.

So what about Slim? He’s more of a city guy, I think. So I moved him to the only neighborhood Sims 4 has that even remotely resembles a city, which is Newcrest.

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Look at that tough guy strut. You show those Newcrest yuppies who’s boss, Slim.

This time, I actually did build the house. Which should be obvious, because it sucks.

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Two things: 1. That disgusting white ceiling underneath the deck, and 2. That fucking plumbob.

Slim doesn’t seem to mind the shitty house though. He spends several minutes just standing in front of it, gawking at his neighbors’ houses while making this face.

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Smooth. As. Fuck.

So hey, I know you guys were probably hoping there would be some babymaking in this chapter. I was, too. But it’s getting pretty long, so I’m going to cap it off here. BUT. Seeing as I have the day off, I’m going to spend a large chunk of it playing and writing the next chapter. So expect chapter 11 soon! Like, for real. I mean it this time.

Thanks for reading, and happy simming! ❤

Breed Out the Ugly Challenge: Reader Poll!

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Hey, all! First off, I am so sorry forever, for always taking so long to write a new chapter! My excuse this time is that my sister has returned my Legend of Zelda: Twilight Princess disk, and now I am in full-blown Zelda Addict Mode. And I’ve been neglecting my Sims once again. 😥

But I am working on writing Chapter 10, and it looks like the twins are about to finally age up! I’ve been thinking recently, and I realized that I’ve been viewing this challenge too much like a legacy. I never really meant for it to be one, or else I would have just called it a Prettacy like we would have called it back in Ye Olde Sims 2 Days. I’m not keeping score, and I’m damn sure not playing through ten generations… So why have I been acting like I have to pick one “heir” to have the next generation of children, when in fact all four of Melody’s kids could potentially spawn a normal-looking child? Plus… I kind of want to see all of the other kids’ freakspawn.

On the other hand, I have definitely been hyping up Slim as the sole heir to the Gross throne. So I thought some readers might feel disappointed, betrayed, outraged!! …if I suddenly changed my tune.

So I’m asking you, dear readers, to please vote in my poll. All kids, or just Slim? The poll will remain open until Friday, March 18 at 5:00 p.m. Central Standard Time. After that, I will age the twins up and post the next chapter.

Exercise your right to vote for totally inconsequential shit on the internet! Please select one of the two options in the poll. Oh, and sorry for the poor image quality on the poll page… It can’t be helped! And please let me know if the poll doesn’t work!

As Diddy would say…

Breed Out the Ugly Challenge – Chapter 9: Slut Club

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Hello, and welcome to another chapter of the Gross family Breed Out the Ugly Challenge. I have to admit, I’ve been slacking on this challenge lately (is it possible to slack on video games?). This is partly because I’ve been sick intermittently throughout the past month, and partly because… I’ve been cheating on the Grosses with other families! 😮 A lot of time and work goes into playing and writing a chapter, and sometimes I just want to relax with some free play in another neighborhood. But now I’m back, and eager to see where the twins’ newfound independence takes them.

So, where did we leave off? Ah, yes. After Melody manufactured some drama with a couple of old flames…

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(And elicited a whole host of indignant facial expressions from Travis)

…The twins grew into striking young men. Well, Kaiden is striking in his own special way.01-02-16_2-17-20 PM

A few days have passed, and the boys have settled quite comfortably into the hustle and bustle of high school, homework, and after school jobs. Nothing too exciting to report for those first few days. Kaiden spent a fair chunk of his free time standing in front of the TV like an asshole.

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“Kaiden, are you fucking serious?”

But Melody has finally had enough of Kaiden’s douchery. More importantly, she’s also recently maxed out her mischief skill and earned a new mischief interaction as a reward. Eager to try out this new prank, she calls him into the living room under the pretense of having something to tell him. She draws him in close…
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And then BLASTS him in the face with an air horn.
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Kaiden, now even more dazed and confused than he normally is, reacts pretty much how you might expect.

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Mom, what the fuck?!”

Even Iris is having trouble recovering from the blast.

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Or is possibly confused as to why, after a recent patch, her cereal is now extra spicy. One or the other.

Speaking of Melody and her mischief skill, I should mention that she’s completed the Chief of Mischief aspiration! She now has the skills to annoy her family and spurned lovers for a lifetime. I randomized a new aspiration for her, so now she wants to be a Master Mixologist. Now she can be annoying and drunk! I’m still going to see her through the criminal career, just because I have grown to love Mobster Melody. But if she makes it to the top, I might have her switch gears to become a mixologist in the future.

So let’s see, we’ve checked in with Kaiden, Melody, and to a lesser extent, Iris. And, let’s be honest, Milton never does anything interesting, so I’m not even going to bother with him. But what about Vincenzo? What’s he up to lately?

Up to no good, it seems. He’s gone down to the ruins to burn shit.

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God, what is it with this family and fire?

He thought he was alone, but out of nowhere, here comes some weird chick with green star makeup all over her face, asking “What the hell are you doing?”  …Busted.

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Slim has definitely inherited his father’s facial expressions.

Slim starts sputtering out some excuse, but Starface just laughs, and says she’s just kidding. She introduces herself as Elsa, and confesses that she’s a huge pyromaniac, too! After that, the two towheaded youths instantly hit it off. Pretty soon they find themselves snuggled up by the fire (for warmth, of course 😉 ).

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AWWWWW!

Slim wants to see more of Elsa, so he asks for her phone number. After she turns him down a couple of times (and I scramble to do freaking damage control on their relationship score), she changes her tune and gives him her number.

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NOTE TO BOYS: This is not how women actually work. If you keep asking for her number, and she keeps saying no, stop asking. You will not come off as persistent, you will come off as creepy. In real life, there is no unseen puppet-master pulling strings to affect the outcome of your social interactions for the sake of the story. No means no, bro. Accept your place in the friend zone. Also stop calling it the friend zone, that’s probably half the reason why girls don’t like you.

Slim figures, while he’s at it, he might as well ask her to be his girlfriend. Surprisingly, after rejecting his request for digits multiple times, she is totally fine and dandy with the idea of a committed relationship. She and Slim even share their first kiss!

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That… is a weird stance to kiss someone in.

Later, and back at home, it’s Iris’s birthday! How the time flies. Since it’s 3:00 a.m., and because Iris cannot bear even one more day of high school, she opts to skip the party. She blows out her candles unceremoniously, alone in the kitchen while her family watches TV in the next room.

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Really, what a fitting birthday celebration for a goth kid.

With Iris aging up, it’s time to roll her third and final trait. And it’s… Childish? Ugh. Another sim who constantly wants to buy toys and watch the Kids Network. Now that she’s an adult, Iris will have to abandon her before-school barista job in favor of a full time, adult job. Back in the day when I was a goth girl, I carried a journal almost everywhere. So we’ll give Iris a job as a writer. Now she can make money writing depressing poetry!

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She looks thrilled, doesn’t she?

Later, in the evening, Iris’s friend Zoey calls her up to announce that it’s ladies’ night at the local pub. Perfect! She can try on her newfound adulthood for size, get her drank on, and maybe get her skank on too.

So Iris calls the first ever meeting of her new club, Slut Club*. So far, Slut Club consists of only Iris and Zoey, but surely their numbers will increase soon.

*I do want to say that normally, I don’t like using the word “slut”. I don’t like condemning a woman for her personal choices – as long as no one’s getting hurt, it’s none of my business what another woman gets up to. In this case, I am using the word playfully and taking advantage of its shock value for comedic effect. I don’t mean for it to be taken as derogatory – more as a vulgar term of endearment.

Right, so with that disclaimer having been made, it’s time for Slut Club to hit the pub. Hey, that rhymed. Watch out Slim, you’ve got competition. Ahem. Anyway, Iris heads to the bar to chat up that beefcake bartender. He seems into it, but his shift’s about to end, so he has to get home.
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So Iris turns into the new bartender who’s come in to relieve the first guy. And it’s…

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Oh my god.

None other than Alexander Goth! He’s grown into a young adult. With everyone’s favorite muttonchops. Guys. I am happy to report that after I shut down the game for this session, I FINALLY FOUND THE FILE AND DELETED THESE SIDEBURNS!!! So take a good look at Alexander’s goofy face, because after this chapter, you won’t see it with this facial hair ever again.

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With those ears, he looks like he could be a Gross himself.

Alexander and Iris hit it off immediately. They continue with their flirtations, all the while racking up club points for Slut Club. Alexander even plants a delicate kiss on Iris’s nose.

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Though, I think he was aiming for her lips. It’s just that her nose is so hard to avoid.

Things are getting pretty hot and heavy. They look for a more private place to share their affections. This nearby closet will do. Alex pins Iris up against the door in a passionate kiss.

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Ew.

He looks around quickly, then pulls her into the closet.

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Still ew.

And there, in the closet of a shitty pub, Iris has her very first woohoo with  muttonchopped, big-eared Alexander Goth.

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Oh god.

And then shit gets weird. Here comes Bella Goth, strolling by the closet, while her son has his first woohoo on the other side of the doors.

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Seriously, this is awkward.

And then she stops to watch. And gets all hot and bothered.

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Bella, WHAT THE FUCK.

Once Bella has heard enough, she wanders off. And then this chick takes her place. She’s at least polite enough to wave hello.

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“Why, hello there? Havin’ a little woohoo, are you?”

This woman, whose name is Eliana, I guess, actually stays for the finale.

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Aw, they made a heart… dust cloud? What is that, even? Steam? This seems physically improbable.

So, I think their creepy voyeurism alone qualifies these two freaky ladies for Slut Club. Welcome to the club, girls!

After their love session is finished, Alexander peeks out cautiously.
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Looks like the coast is clear. His mom’s over across the room talking to Zoey. As far as Al knows, she’ll be none the wiser. Oh, if only he knew the extent of how wrong he is.

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And how fucking creepy his mom is.

Alexander comes swaggering out of the closet, while Iris stumbles out behind him.
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And I mean, she’s really stumbling. I don’t know what went on in that closet, but she can barely walk.

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This seriously just keeps getting more and more disturbing.

Having come down now from the elation of his first woohoo, Alexander is faced with the reality of what he’s just done. His face drops into an expression of pensive horror.

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This is the face of a man who has made a terrible mistake.

Just kidding! He’s cool.

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#YOLO

Sooo. That just happened. All of that happened. Satisfied with her first night as an adult, Iris bids Alexander farewell for now, and calls an end to the inaugural meeting of Slut Club. She heads home in the early hours of the morning and proceeds to sleep through the da – OH FUCK, WHAT IS THAT?!

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Whyyyyyyyyy?

No, your eyes have not deceived you. That is, in fact… A Tragic Clown painting.

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But seriously, why?

Yup, EA/Maxis brought back the legendary painting to celebrate the sixteenth anniversary of the Sims (Jeezus has it been that long?!). Although it doesn’t fit Iris’s spooky decor, she just couldn’t resist. The painting makes her so, so sad, and nothing provides inspiration for gothy poetry like self-indulgent despair.

But wait… Guess what else they brought back? Three words:

Grilled.

Cheese.

Aspiration.

You seriously have no idea how happy I was when I read about it in the patch notes. I just sat here grinning, eyes wide, mouth agape, for like, a full minute.

Now, I should fess up that I started writing this chapter almost a month ago. So, earlier when I randomized Melody’s aspiration, the grilled cheese aspiration patch had not been released yet. I’m really not feeling the Master Mixologist aspiration for Melody, so I’m going to break my rule of randomizing to determine aspirations, just this once.

But hold on, before Melody can change her aspiration, she’s got to do some prep work. To prove her devotion to grilled cheese, she has to eat three grilled cheese sandwiches in a row. She begins diligently cooking at once.
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And so begins Melody’s journey into grilled cheese mania. Here’s sandwich number one.

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“Delicious!”

Time for seconds!

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“Hot damn, I sure do love me some grilled cheese.”

And finally, sandwich number three.

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“Okay, I seriously might vomit if you make me eat any more of these.”

Success! Melody chokes down the last sandwich just in time to change her aspiration and dash off to work.

Speaking of work, the next day, Slim comes home with a promotion! He’s now a backhoe operator – pretty cool for someone who’s still in high school!

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Plus, he looks adorable in his work clothes.

A little later, a grown-up Wolfgang Munch shows up at the front door, and from the look of him, he’s feeling amorous.

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It is a little-known fact that a marked increase in libido is actually a side effect of excessive eyeshadow application.

Iris can’t turn down free romance, especially when it comes begging at her door like this. So she invites him in to canoodle on the couch.

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They could at least wait until Kaiden leaves the room, though.

But Iris and her bleach-blond bad boy are put off by Kaiden’s presence (which, to be fair, is not a feeling that’s limited exclusively to makeout time), so they head out to the hot tub for more privacy.

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“Surely no one will see us out here… with no privacy fence, and several houses and a high-traffic footpath only a scant few yards away.”

Feeling extra sexy in her chainmail bathing suit (and… sunhat?), Iris makes her move.

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“Oh, also, we’re in full view of my mom’s room.”

As is common with the Gross women’s gentleman callers, Wolfgang keeps occasionally taking breaks from the action to sit silently with a thousand-yard stare…

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Or maybe he just realized that people can totally see what he’s doing, because  of course they can, you’re woohooing right out in the open.

But despite his anxiety, Wolfgang manages to finish the deed, sending a suspiciously heart-shaped geyser several feet into the air in what is easily the most blatant sexual innuendo ever included in a Sims game so far.

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Hot tub woohoo is dirty.

Wolfy reverts back to staring blankly, contemplating his life choices, as Iris does… whatever the hell she’s doing under the water.

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Not even going to ask.

When she finally comes up for air, it looks like maybe Wolfgang’s not the only one experiencing regret.

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Maybe you wouldn’t feel so bad if you weren’t five feet away from your mom’s bedroom window.

Iris will just have to suck it up and get over it. No time for regrets right now, because…
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It’s Milton’s birthday! Guys, remember Milton? He still exists! And now it’s his birthday! Isn’t that exciting?!

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No, not really.

But the family still manages to fake some enthusiasm anyway. Except for Slim. Slim’s in bed, giving zero fucks.

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Luckily, Iris gives enough fucks to cover everyone.

Now that Milt is a young adult, he’s gained his final trait: Ambitious. And since he’s so ambitious, he doesn’t waste any time finding a job in the business career track. He’s so excited, he changes into his suit and tie autonomously, right there in front of the cake.

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And in front of his mom and sister, who probably could have gone without seeing him changing clothes in the kitchen.

With Milton grown up, it’s probably time for him to move out of the room he shares with his brothers. In fact, Slim and Kaiden could use rooms of their own, too. So the house has undergone some last-minute renovations. Here’s a view of the outside:

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Looking extra shitty, because I do not comprehend roof placement.

And here’s the ground floor. Melody has moved into the new bedroom, and Milton gets Melody’s old room.

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Now he’ll have a front row seat to his sister’s hot tub debauchery.

And here’s the basement, with Slim’s room on the left, Kaiden’s room on the right, and a weird, long bathroom in between.

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Look, I never tried to claim that I was good at building. Or decorating.

Well, this has been quite an eventful chapter! Melody finished her mischief aspiration and developed a newfound appreciation for bread and cheese, Slim got his first girlfriend and got promoted, Iris aged up and had her first woohoo and her first hot tub woohoo, and Milton aged up. Oh, and Kaiden?

Okay, Kaiden mostly just did a lot of swimming. He still has no love life and works at a shitty fast food restaurant, but at least he’s fucking ripped.

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This may actually be the most disturbing image in the entire chapter.

What might we expect in the next chapter? Will Melody make strides in her grilled cheese aspiration? Will Iris continue to whore it up all over town? Will Kaiden or Milton ever actually do anything interesting? Tune in next time to find out!

…Hopefully in less than a month this time!

Thanks for reading (and waiting so patiently between chapters), and happy simming!